Three years ago this month my mother was widowed. Since then I think she has thought about Dad, her husband and partner of 61 years, several times a day. And has missed him terribly. Last week I read an interview with a expert in palliative care who noted that many wish to die in their sleep but only 10% of the population actually does. Instead they die as they lived. My father died in his sleep. In bed, beside my mother, who was awake and reading. I wanted to read a poem at his funeral but all I could think of was the utterly inappropriate “Do Not Go Gentle Into that Good Night” by Dylan Thomas . Dad had never “raged” and certainly not “against the dying of the light.” He went as he lived – quietly and at peace with himself and the world.
Now Mom is a highly pragmatic person and I think she thought that getting on without her husband would be easier than it has been. So she has come up with a 19-point plan for overcoming grief that she recently published in her church bulletin. She believes this is a helpful plan even for people who are not experiencing grief, which is why I am sharing it here. As someone who is perennially harassed by the clock, I have certainly thought a lot about rule number 12, “Never refuse an invitation.”
- Do three works of charity every day: (e.g., phone calls, cards, visits, alms to the poor, baking for a friend or neighbour).
- Ask others about their troubles and trials.
- Be diligent about your own health. Walk each day, preferably outside for 30 minutes (to get vitamin D).
- Climb stairs each day to improve endurance and maintain bone mass.
- Take advantage of the sun: work or relax in a room into which the sun is shining.
- Share meals with others. Take turns eating together, especially Sunday dinners.
- Prepare nutritious meals for yourself. Do some preparation for dinner early in the day so you will be more likely to eat properly at night rather than resort to tea and toast.
- Let restful music soothe you.
- Vary your routine from what you were used to when your loved one was alive.
- Spend time on a hobby.
- Treat yourself once in awhile to a, manicure, pedicure, movie, concert.
- Never refuse an invitation.
- Ask others for favours.
- Plan activities where you will be with other people: join clubs, take a fitness/yoga class, do volunteer work.
- Have a rest midway through each day.
- Plan things to which you can look forward (e.g., a trip, visit from family, etc.).
- Keep you mind sharp by playing bridge, doing crosswords, studying a second language, etc.
- Make a list of partially completed projects and then start getting them done.
- SMILE.
My parents at their 60th wedding anniversary.
